A warning to those of a sensitive nature, this post is decidedly tongue in cheek. I advise not proceeding any further without smelling salts if this is the case. The advice provided in the article should be taken with a pinch of low sodium salt/no salt. Thank you.
I’ve often pondered on the plight of the lovelorn, you may ask why. Dating is a difficult game, fraught with danger and uncertainties in a world that may appear cold and unromantic. This dance is as old as humanity itself and the profession of matchmaker follows not far behind. The intermediary is an important component of the romantic game. Trust me, I know (I’ve read the manual and taken the exam). Okay, I’m fibbing but it was worth a shot. I am sure many of us have either been on the receiving end of these diabolical, sorry; ‘inventive’ overtures of romance or actually dished them out. Shame on you rascals! Help is at hand my friends, my alter ego (yes, another one) the Matchmaker is ready to dispense advice and handkerchiefs if required. She’s not without sensitivity and a sense of the ridiculous it has to be said. Without further ado I shall take you into her inner sanctum. Come right in and don’t trip over the cat.
Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to all my prayers.
Religion is a tricky subject to broach and inadvisable if you are unsure which way the object of your attentions leans. Always best to avoid theological discussions out of respect for human life, yours in particular if the conversation becomes heated and possibly dangerous. A clue that the outcome is not going to be favourable may be the tick in their eye and the sound of grinding teeth. At this stage of the proceedings, make your excuses and get the hell out of there. I obviously use the word “hell” in a non-sectarian way and cannot possibly comment on the existence or non-existence of said location.
Have you been to the doctor lately? Because I think you are lacking some Vitamin Me.
Ah, wanting to play Doctors and Nurses are we? Reverting back to childhood games is not really advisable. What was acceptable as kids, exploring the world in all innocence and curiosity may be construed as sexual harassment now and carry heavy penalties. Do you really want to go down that route? Not worth the hassle my friend. Why not try a spot of bird watching and I am of course referring to the feathered variety. At least it gets you out into the fresh air and you keep your clothes on. Everyone is happy then.
Hello, I’m Ms/Mr Right and someone said you were looking for me
This may elicit a strong response and language even a hardened sailor may blanch at. Perhaps you need to get back to basics and take an evening class in interpersonal relationships. Or even possibly therapy for your narcissism.
Do you have a map because I am lost in your beautiful eyes?
Are you really serious? Perhaps this may be a time to take stock of the situation and consider the consequences of your actions. There are several scenarios that may confront you at this stage. The object of your attentions may take it upon themselves to deliver a right hook to your jaw, resulting in either breaking your jaw or blinding you. With the last option, if you are wearing spectacles you may want to call upon their compassion and beg them not to hit someone wearing glasses. It is always worth a try but I cannot guarantee success.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material of course
If you decide to try this line out, please ensure that if you are wearing a tie it is detachable and your shirt is made of a low quality fabric and liable to tear easily. Your paramour to be may decide to take you up on the invitation and have a feel of said shirt or even your tie. You may wonder then at this stage why they are holding you in a death grip. The detachable tie now comes into its own, causing you to take a sigh of relief (rather a deep breath perhaps, if we are being honest). Always best to carry an extra shirt if you can, in that case it is advisable to carry a “man bag” with you. Ensure that it’s of the finest Italian leather.
Are you a parking ticket because you have “fine” written all over you.
There is a danger of being run over if you decide to use this little beauty in your romantic adventures. The “tyred” look is not attractive at all and the marks are very hard to get out. If you must utter these infamous words, please ensure you are somewhere inside where a vehicle is not likely to be able to enter. If your attentions are rebuffed just make sure the cab picks you up at the door of the drinking establishment. Just so that there is not danger of being followed by one angry object of your attentions.
I hope this advice has been useful. Always good to reflect and indulge in a little introspection. We emerge as better people and is that not a good thing for harmony and world peace? Of course it is, it may also be worth your while buying some self-help books to ease the path of love. No one said it would be an easy ride. Relationships are complex and often perplexing entities to deal with. Time to show you the door, please ensure you don’t trip over the cat. She took off someone’s leg the other day and it took ages to get the blood off the carpet and walls. Tigers can be such irritable creatures.